During almost all of my life, I used to judge everything I encountered. Among usual subjects to judge were people with their decisions and opinions, computer technologies, books and movies, ideas from anyone and anywhere, even the vaguest ones—that were better to explore rather than evaluate. Short story long, I’ve thought I knew everything and tried to live according to that principle. Anytime I was hit by anything new, I tried to do my best just to fit that event into the system I was already familiar with. My own judgment and decision-making matrix.
Whether the event was positive or negative, brought me something useful or hurt, I was instantly up to put a particular label onto it. Just good or bad. Nothing worth craving. Too shallow or way profound for such a simple idea. Stupid. Jerk. Asshole. Or even the-future-mother-of-my-children-and-fuck-what-you-could-think-about-it. As you’ve probably noticed already, I was hardly to be called an easy-going positive thinking person. And despite the fact I hate self-help crap filled with affirmations, the way I used to perceive the world was neither useful nor pleasant.
This led me to some discouraging consequences. I could date girls I didn’t like in person but who were incredibly desirable in my dreams. I pretended to play music thinking about myself as a rock-star, at least in the future, but really often hated the music we played and training to play it. I thought I had no abilities to do well with math, even though I never tried hard enough. Never tried at all, to be honest with you. Apparently, relationships became broken, music was abandoned, and the lack of math skills and good technical education turned out to be amongst the most important things for me and, presumably, my career and life.
All this shit appeared just because of my offbeat self-confidence. I am and was nothing special in particular—a guy who thought he was the unique one with special abilities, fate and destiny, with the world spinning around him and waiting for him just to point out the things he likes and wants. I assume this is a very common mental disease among young adults nowadays, though. Probably modern economy and culture revolving around consumers and their money try their best to convince us. No matter what in, particularly; important question is, whether customer, that poor empty-headed guy, likes to buy something being advertised or not.
But the main idea of the article started to fall apart with that accidental this-is-not-my-but-global-fault mumbling.
What I really want to convey, is that I finally figured out that my thoughts about the world in general and on lots of small events, feelings, ideas and so on are disgustingly deceptive. They’re broken from the very beginning when they were somehow placed into my empty head. As a human being, I hated to be wrong and picked out the ideas that only strengthened my opinions. The classical statistical confirmation bias applied to a man’s life.
Now I’m trying to be as conscious and attentive to feelings, thoughts, and the outside world as possible and not to judge before exploring and getting results of real experiments and observations. I believe that putting these in front of the opinion or belief, even if it’s of pure common sense, can help to work out lots of disappointments and weaknesses we tend to have and, apparently, acquire on day to day basis. Conscious widening purview and perceiving information from the outside seems, at least to me, to be the way better choice than living inside your own head forever.
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